Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Yes, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically recognized for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It should be large. Tremendous!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed in the putting green inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. Some of the most effective. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."

Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally out of spot. Built by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:

A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour till the drone flies")

And also a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable h2o. But Indeed, certain, let's have One more put the place American men can wear robes and phone it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, not surprisingly."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas coverage analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace attempt due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When preceding negotiations failed underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: give Anyone a suite over the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.

Based on paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders

A Trump Tower Damascus VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is certainly delicate ability," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and more minibar updates."

What the Critics Are Screaming

International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every single device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It isn't that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is really that he really should cease working with it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the job, replied, "You are aware of, gentleman, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Great individuals. Excellent tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."

Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head noticeable from House, a characteristic being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as the chin is… well, categorized.

Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after acquiring the setting up's gold plating mirrored a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.

"It can be not just unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Global's regional director.

The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Functions

Perhaps the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:

A silent atrium the place company may possibly ponder obscure disappointment

A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with weather Regulate established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.

Area Syrians are Uncertain what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Promoting Approach: "If You Bomb It, They'll Occur"

The advert marketing campaign, lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:

"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Eternally."

One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:

"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."

Public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge shows:

34% say "it would stabilize the world"

29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% claimed "where's the closest elevator to the West Financial institution?"

Investor Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"

The challenge is presently attracting attention from international buyers, including:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a foreign minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."

Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level can even consist of:

A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances

A Topic Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Area Determined by the Iraq War

Comment Section Chaos

On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Cannot hold out to discover a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Ultimately, a resort wherever my PTSD might have switch-down assistance."

A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian simply asked:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Influence

U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Stories suggest:

China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to make a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Last Thoughts in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™

Within a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:

"Damascus required hope. It essential gold. It desired a waterslide formed such as the Constitution. I gave it all 3. You are welcome."